Pat 1 : Cancer 0

That's right, as hard as the chemo hit me, it did a bigger number on the cancer. I am officially cancer free, "cured" if you will. I had the all important CT scan on Friday. They scanned my chest, abdomen and pelvis looking for cancer and found none. I know in my last entry I said I was expecting the results on Dec 6th but it turns out my oncologist is away and that appointment had to be pushed back to December 20th. Of course I wasn't going to wait that long for results so he called me today to deliver the good news. Actually he was busy earlier in the day so my clinic nurse called first. It was kind of funny, she spent a minute or two telling me about how the scan showed scar tissue in my lungs and how they're pretty certain now that I do indeed have lung damage caused by the bleomycin, etc. I don't think I heard anything she said until she remembered to tell me that "oh ya, and the issues in the abdomen (ie: the cancer) have been resolved" (ie: the cancer is gone). I asked her if I should consider myself "in remission" or "cured" or what? She said that with me they were aiming for cured, not remission, and that apparently is what I am: cured. I believe the chances of the cancer recurring are somewhere around 5% or less, so it's possible, but highly unlikely.
I didn't really know what to do when I got off the phone. I wanted to call everyone I knew but I figured Adrienne should be the first one to hear the good news as she lived through almost every minute of this ordeal with me. So telling people would have to wait until after she was out of school and I could talk to her. So instead I took a deep sigh of relief (heavy verbal sigh as Iggy would say - it's an inside joke), said a prayer of thanksgiving and went on eating my cold pizza and finished watching my PVR'd episode of Criminal Minds. Pretty uneventful really. When Anthony woke up from his nap I told him but I was pretty disappointed with his response. He was more interested in getting down to the playroom to play with his trucks.

The outcome was what I expected (if you don't remember my prognosis, the odds were something like 95% in my favour) but there was always that small chance that the cancer was still there. Those 2 or 3 little 1.3 CM tumours in my abdomen could have been going strong. If that was the case, radiation would probably have taken care of them. If that didn't work, they could have opened me up and cut them out. There were still lots of options, but in the back of my mind there was always the what if...what if none of it works. I'm sure most people contemplate their own death at some point and this has definitely made me think about mine. Nothing crazy, not every day or anything, but there have been moments here and there. I remember being in Chapters with Adrienne just before Christmas last year, a couple of months before I was even diagnosed (I was still in possession of a gigantic right testicle). We were looking at books for Anthony. They had some of those books where you record your voice in the story. I made some joke that Adrienne didn't find funny about how we should get one so that Anthony could remember what I sounded like after I die of testicular cancer. Behind my dark humour there was a little bit of me that was being serious.

Then there was when I found out in July that the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and I would have to do chemo. One of the things I made sure I did before I started chemo was go and meet with a funeral planner. I never did commit to anything, or pay them the thousands of dollars they want to shove my ashes in a metal box, but in the event that things went awry, at least Adrienne would know my wishes. You don't buy life insurance because you plan on dieing the next day. It's just for that "what if". That's all this was. But in any case, it makes you think about your funeral, your death, all that awesome stuff. Speaking of life insurance, it's something a lot of people put off but you never know when something tragic and unexpected is going to happen. And no, I'm not a life insurance salesman or anything, but if you don't have life insurance and you wind up in my predicament (with "the cancer"), the option to buy it afterward probably won't even be there. Life Insurance companies don't like to ensure cancer survivors, at least not at reasonable rates I'm sure. I'm very happy that we took care of that a few years ago.
I still have some side effects that I'm dealing with but most have improved dramatically. I know of a guy who is going through 4 rounds of the same chemo I did. He's finished 3 rounds so far and has only missed 2 days of work. I haven't worked since July. Part of that is that as an Air traffic Controller I can't work while doing chemo. Even now because of the steroids I'm on I couldn't go back to controlling airplanes if I wanted to. But this guy (who is 14 years younger than me) has had none of the side effects that I've had except some fatigue and nausea. We still don't know why this was so hard on me. The obvious reason is that I'm a pretty big wimp when it comes to being sick. I really am, I'll admit it. Another contributing factor could be that I metabolized the chemo slower than the average person. The chemo dosage is determined by your body surface area (a formula using height and weight). But it's not an exact science. If I metabolized the chemo slower than the average person than the effects it would have on me would inevitably be more pronounced. That's probably why I can't hold my liquor either I guess. And the third could just be some bad luck. As much as I washed my hands and stayed away from public places, I still got multiple bacterial infections.

In any case it's over now. I will see my oncologist on Dec 20th and then it's back to surveillance for a few years. There will be blood work every 3 months and a CT scan probably every 4-6 months at first, moving to annually and eventually they will stop. My memory of all this will become blurry and when I tell Anthony about this years from now I'm sure I will exaggerate everything I went through. I'll say things like " I had a testicle the size of a watermelon". Adrienne will correct me and pull out a copy of my blog to remind me (it was 7cm x 4.5cm x 4.5cm for the record).

I hope that this blog can help others in my situation as it sits here on the Internet gathering virtual dust. If you are reading this and have questions or would just like someone to talk to about your own cancer experience, my email is pcareen@gmail.com . To my family, friends and everyone else, thank you for taking the time to follow my blog. Also, thanks one last time for the blog comments, the emails, the facebook messages, the cards, the phone calls and the prayers and well wishes.

When my testicle was removed back in February I remember thinking it seemed too easy. I went back to work 3 weeks later and life went on. I really didn't feel like a "cancer survivor". More like a "cancer experiencer". Now I feel like a cancer survivor.

The End